doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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