I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
