i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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