dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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