I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
50% drunk capacity currently
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Drunk is not a location!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
