did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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