Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
