you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
