Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
