I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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