We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
