You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Randomize
