...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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