I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
