the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
