You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
