I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
