he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
