I just cut my nipple shaving
one might say we're banned from that church
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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