Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
