ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
