wat bout pragnant strippers??
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
