im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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