my phone needs a breathalizer
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
