everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
