whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She tied me up with her honor cords...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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