before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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