I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
