i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
