Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
