My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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