Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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