i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
