I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
