nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
