The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
