i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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