I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
