i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
