Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
