i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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