What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
