She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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