I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
There's even glitter on my cock...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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