Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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