I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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