I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Randomize
