I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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