She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
