well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
